The Burden of Joy

Let’s talk about what I call the burden of joy.

It’s Christmas, and everywhere you look, there’s joy. People post photos of their kids laughing at the elf’s latest shenanigans, holiday cards arrive with updates on perfect family moments, and even Andy Williams reminds us “It’s the most wonderful time of the year.” But the constant expectation of joy can feel burdensome, reminding us of the pressure to be in a holiday spirit—and of the not-so-joyful side of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), with its new twist: JOMO, or the Joy of Missing Out.

As moms, we often feel it’s our job to make the holiday magical, adding “create the perfect Christmas” to our long list of responsibilities. Yet the daily tasks don’t just pause because it’s December. We’re still running the household, working, and parenting. So adding “perfect Christmas” to our already-full plate feels nearly impossible, especially with the expectation to do it all with a cheerful smile.

Personally, I have always adored Christmas. With a name like Merrily, I think it was practically part of my destiny. I love the planning, the decorating, the warmth of family gatherings, the way my home glows, and the thrill of surprises. It’s my time. But a recent conversation reminded me that not everyone feels this way. For many moms, the holidays can be extremely stressful, even dreaded. At first, I found it hard to understand. Then, it got me thinking about joy in a broader sense.

Part of being a mom means holding joy for yourself and creating it for your family. Yet, there’s often guilt tied to not feeling joyful or not creating the “perfectly joyous” experience for your kids. And just as the word “fine” can be loaded, guilt in parenting is something to recognize and shed.

This holiday season, I challenge you to take a few quiet moments to reflect on why you might feel this pressure. It’s easy to assume it’s all from society, but is it also partly from within? Is there an internal belief that things never go as planned during the holidays, or a deep-seated notion that things should be perfect? If so, give yourself some grace—and maybe a journal—to explore those feelings.

Let’s also think about FOMO, which affects more than just our kids. Social media constantly shows us other families' successes, holiday joys, and picture-perfect moments, and even as adults, we’re not immune to the pull of comparison. FOMO activates our brain’s amygdala—the part that warns us of potential danger and drives vigilance. In early human history, it was necessary: if you weren’t paying attention, you might miss a critical sign of danger, like a predator nearby. Now, it triggers that sense of “if she has this, there won’t be enough for me,” known as a scarcity mindset.

To counter this, we can bring mindfulness to our experiences of FOMO. Notice what happens when you feel it. Do you actually wish you were doing what you’re “missing out” on, or is it highlighting something deeper—perhaps a desire to reconnect with old friends or a wish for more time for self-care? Jealousy often reflects dissatisfaction with our own lives, not a true wish for what someone else has.

Consider a challenge: when FOMO strikes, write down what you truly want and what you currently have. If you feel envy for a friend’s travel photos, for instance, jot down your own travel goals. Be specific, realistic, and honest about what would truly bring you joy. Maybe Bali isn’t in the cards, but could you save for Hawaii or Florida? Use FOMO to discover what you really desire and find ways to create joy in a realistic, meaningful way.

This is where the “Joy of Missing Out” (JOMO) comes in. JOMO is about setting boundaries and intentionally saying “no” to things you don’t want to do. There’s a certain freedom in deciding what you want, rather than what others expect. But boundaries take balance. We are adults, after all—not toddlers—so while it’s liberating to say “no” to some things, remember to honor responsibilities that matter to those we love. The sweet spot of JOMO is saying no honestly and clearly, without guilt or resentment.

So, if you decide to skip an event, own your choice. Pour a glass of wine, watch a Hallmark movie, and savor the moment. When you decline with intention, you’re not just missing out—you’re creating joy for yourself in a way that’s fulfilling.

It’s okay to feel less than joyful sometimes. In these next few weeks, ask yourself, “What do I want right now?” Often, as moms, our decisions weigh everyone’s needs and wishes. But when you find a rare moment to choose for yourself, savor it. This is how you build true, sustainable joy.

Notice the little things that make you smile and add them to your life. Maybe you find peace watching the Christmas lights or savoring the first sip of coffee in the morning. For me, it’s sitting alone in the quiet glow of the Christmas tree after everyone’s asleep. It’s not a grand trip or a major event, but these small moments can bring more joy than any elaborate plan.

Here are three key takeaways:

1. It’s not your job to carry joy for everyone.

2. Your kids will remember the warmth of Christmas more than the specifics.

3. Joy comes from mindfulness—knowing what truly matters to you.

Find your own joy this season, and let it be enough.